


Bite Me

by ToDefineIsToLimit



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: 6000 Years of Pining (Good Omens), Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Canon Compliant, Genderfluid Crowley (Good Omens), Historical Inaccuracy, Or not depends on how you look at it, Other, Vampire Bites, Vampires, Wine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2020-12-27 10:22:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21117179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToDefineIsToLimit/pseuds/ToDefineIsToLimit
Summary: Crowley stayed just a bit too long in a villageThe people notice that he doesn't age and assume he's a vampire cuz humans be like thatand well he doesn't correct it. The privacy is nice.That is until someone comes to town who might make his whole scam unravel and everything changesAlso entitled Aziraphale thrists for Crowley and thinks far too long about Crowley's mouth on his neck hahaha4/6/20 ABANDONED WORK. I HONESTLY WOULDN'T READ IT AS NOT MUCH TOOK PLACE BEFORE I GAVE UP





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay may forgive the pun in the fic title but honestly the joke with the horny undertones is kinda the general vibe I'm going for  
I don't know how long this will be and I don't know how serious it is  
Prolly eventual angst knowing who I am as a person
> 
> Here we go babes haha

It was long before the nope-pocalypse and long after their meeting at Eden. It was October of 1866 to be exact. It had been a few decades since Aziraphale had last seen Crowley as their assignments had to lead them to separate parts of the world. He was a bit lonely and missed having a companion to do things like go out for crepes with. Oh, France had been so lovely. 

...Other than the executions.

Anyway! He was soon called up to heaven for a progress report and a new assignment. Apparently, some demonic activity had been happening practically right under his nose.

"Yeah maybe could you… you know, do your _job_?" Gabriel had said, "After all, what does the Almighty have you down there for if you're just going to waste all your time reading those profane human books?"

That, admittedly, stung. 

So as soon as he got back to earth he headed to the village and did his best to blend in with the locals. He immediately was greeted by several friendly men and women who promptly warned him to never go into the woods alone at night lest he be turned against the ways of God and nature. But frankly, these days that wasn't all that uncommon everything was blasphemy according to some people.

When Aziraphale asked for clarification they urged him to go inside as it was getting far too dark out to discuss such matters. So Aziraphale found an inn to stay at and sequestered himself away for the night in his room despite the fact that he rarely slept. The night was early silent and when Aziraphale opened the window to look out there wasn't a soul out on the road below.

As the sun rose to usher the day in Aziraphale heard regular village activity sounds resume. He went down the stairs and gave the innkeeper a few extra coins for the rest of the week. He had some investigating to do and he would need to stay somewhere at night to keep up pretenses. After securing himself room and board for the time being he decided to poke around a little bit.

"So how long has the town had a curfew? Seems a little 17th century don't you think?" He said casually to the innkeeper.

"S'not a curfew, " The woman said curtly, clearly not appreciating Aziraphale voicing his opinions on their town, "It's more of a 'If you've got any sense about you, you'll be indoors before the sun is down.' After all, no one'll let you in after sunset."

"Why is that?" Aziraphale asked innocently (he was always innocent he was an angel).

She snorted, "You're a damned fool if you came here without knowing about it. Every town within riding distance knows."

"Oh well, I never listen to hearsay!" He said waving his hand as if he could bat away the rumors.

"Well, it's not hearsay. I seen with my own eyes, " She dropped her voice into a low whisper, as overtly speaking of the creature could summon it, "There's a beast tormenting our town. It once may have been a creature of good and light, but now it serves satan and his dark purposes."

What she was describing could be a demon, Aziraphale mused silently.

She leaned in closer to whisper, "A _vampire_."

"A what?"

"A creature who drinks blood. It lives forever, it can shapeshift, it looks human to lure you in, but it doesn't ever eat food. It lives in the castle to the east. It seems appeased if we bring it raw meat and our finest drinks (because as you know vampires still can drink human things). But occasionally it wanders into the village at dusk to buy ink and parchment. And sometimes it comes at night lures away some of our younger folk, never to be seen again."

Aziraphale swallowed feeling somewhat unprepared for any of this, "How- how does it lure away your people?"

"Unholy magic, lures them away through lust no doubt."

"Lust?" Aziraphale started running through a list of demons who were known for inspiring lust. Asmodeus perhaps? "Why are you so sure it's through lust?"

She blushed red at the question, "Believe you me, sir, you wouldn't be asking that if you'd seen him. The way he walks alone is enough to get the girls to leave their chores. Unholy magic as I said. They say he shapeshifts into a beautiful lady some days and she come traipsing through the village as if she owns the place. My friend Aria's husband was immediately bewitched, he followed her like a puppy around town."

"Oh dear."

"Oh dear indeed, sir, but that's all I know about the matter. You might talk to the delivery man. He's the only one who goes up to the castle and returns, " She said gravely.

"Thank you, " Aziraphale said passing her another coin for her trouble, "where could I find him?"

"In the market, he usually does the delivery on Fridays so you'll need to hurry down there to catch him or else you'll have ta wait until tomorrow."

"Thank you," Aziraphale said again and shuffled quickly out the door. 

)))°(((

It turned out that the delivery man didn't know anything more than the innkeeper had. It also turned out that he was much less of a deliveryman and more of a delivery _boy_. A mere eighteen years old and they sent him into the woods to face a creature that not even the town's militia would dare approach. It was positively beastly. 

His name was Adrian.

"Why do you do it? Why not make someone else do it? You have your whole life ahead of you, " Aziraphale said unsure of what could make someone so young be willing to risk their lives.

"Pays well. It's the best paying job I could get and God blessed m'wife and I with a child, " Adrian shrugged and grinned with just a hint of nervousness underneath it. 

His wife. Only eighteen years on this planet and they considered him an adult. After eighteen years on this earth, Aziraphale had still been trying to figure out how to lace his sandals without a miracle. And here Adrian was risking his life weekly to provide for his young wife and their coming child. 

It wasn't right.

"Do you know I heard the blacksmith was looking for an apprentice and is willing to pay handsomely? Why don't you go talk to him about it?" Aziraphale said using a small miracle to make it true, "I'll take your delivery up for you today. No charge."

"Really?! Oh, I've heard he pays well! Oh thanks so much, sir!" Adrian passed him the basket of meat and wine he was holding.

"Oh, it's nothing, dear boy. Please go, take care of your family. Where do I go?"

"Just follow the signs that say 'Turn back while you still can!' Thanks again!" He called as he jogged off down the path that most likely leads to the blacksmith.

Aziraphale exhaled slowly and turned east and headed toward the forest. He sent a blessing out to Adrian's young wife for the health of her and her child. These things could have so many complications and Aziraphale always tried to send out blessings when he could for the safety of the mother.

So, off to near-certain discorporation at the hands of a demon of lust! 

Dear lord, this would be so much paperwork.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Crowley not so subtly flirts with Aziraphale and it's still too subtle for our dear dumb angel

Aziraphale, holding the large basket of meat and wine, came upon the castle. It was large and dark as he would have expected, but it was surprisingly... clean. 

He knew Asmodeus had a penchant for tempting and quickly thereafter eating his human victims. Aziraphale would have expected corpses or at least a few bones to be littering the steps in front of the large oak doors.

But there was no such macabre scene. In fact, there weren't even any leaves sitting on the steps despite it having been autumn for weeks now. Did someone sweep the steps recently?

Aziraphale knew that whoever resided in this castle expected him to merely leave the basket at the door and go scampering back through the woods. Instead, he raised his hand and knocked firmly on the door, the sound echoing through the chambers beyond them.

There was a long silence. And just as Aziraphale was about to knock a second time, the door opened with a low rumbling groan of strained hinges. Inside there was a long hallway with deep red carpet and a single flickering candlestick on a table at the end of it.

Shadows dominated the hall nearer to him concealing a demon. Aziraphale could sense the hellish energy radiating from the space just behind the door.

"Who are you, Brave Stranger who dares disturb the rest of a vampi- AZIRAPHALE?!?!" The face that had been slowly appearing from behind suddenly appeared in the full light of the sun.

"CROWLEY???"

"Wha-what are you doing here?!"

"Oh, I should have known this was your demonic doing!"

"What are you doing with my wine?!"

Aziraphale continued reprimanding him without responding, "You foul fiend! Scaring the locals like this, it's truly unnecessary. They think you're seducing people with your vampiric wiles!"

"_Seducing_?" Crowley's eyebrows flew upward.

"Yes indeed seducing! No doubt it's due to the way you slink about as if you don't know how human hips function!"

"Oh, so _you_ think I've been seducing _too?_"

"Obviously. You're a _demon_. It's hardly surprising from you."

"Okay, rude! For the record _Angel_, " Crowley fairly spat, "I don't tempt humans with sex. I try to be a little more creative than that. Leave the _lust_ to lesser demons."

"That is entirely not the point, my dear boy. You have lied to the locals! Told them you're a monster! Now they think there is something frightening in this castle!"

"No no no they got there bloody well on their own! Theorizing the way they do and- AND WAIT I AM PLENTY FRIGHTENING, ANGEL!"

"I don't have time for your bluster right now Crowley! I have so much paperwork because of you!"

"Ngk- B-bluster?!" Crowley gaped. 

But then a soft noise came from behind him. Crowley whipped around and looked at the source.

It was a young man around maybe mid-twenties who was looking at Crowley with confusion, "Is uh- everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, it's fine Bram just greeting an old friend."

"We aren't friends!" Aziraphale snapped.

"Oh whatever just get in here, you can keep berating me somewhere less public!"

"Fine!"

"Bram, could you take the basket to the kitchen? Ask Lina to get some vegetables from the garden. We'll have lunch soon."

"Sure, " He said eagerly taking the basket of meat and wine from Aziraphale.

"And tell her to stop being nice to my vegetables," Crowley called after him as the young man left down the hallway. He disappeared around the corner.

"Who is that man anyway?" Aziraphale demanded.

"Oh well maybe he's my human thrall, " Crowley suggested, "They _are_ saying I get them with lust aren't they?"

"Well, I never! Are you implying that you have… relations with that young man???"

Crowley smirked, "Why? Are you jealous?"

"No! He's certainly too young for me!" Aziraphale said, offended by the suggestion. As if he engaged in such activities! He certainly didn't! … often.

Crowley slumped, "Not what I meant, angel."

If Crowley hadn't been suggesting that Aziraphale wanted to have _relations_ with Bram the what was he saying???

Crowley slouched off down the corridor leaving Aziraphale to scramble after him because while Crowley was a fast walk gay, Aziraphale had always been a slow walk gay. In most cases they found a speed in between that allowed both of them to finally walk at a decent pace but Crowley was pouting and so walked as if he had Vivaldi's "Winter" playing in his head spurring him forward at a brisk pace.

Aziraphale finally overtook him when he made it to the dining room. Crowley snapped his fingers and the candles on the table all ignited through a, quite frankly, unnecessary use of his power. 'So frivolous,' Aziraphale admonished in his head, 'to use miracles so carelessly.'

"Why are you here, Angel?" Crowley settled into a chair at the head of the table doing his absolute best sulk. Aziraphale sat primly in the one to his right.

"Gabriel wanted me to look into what demonic forces were at play in this village, " Aziraphale said taking in the elegant yet not overrated place settings. And there wasn't so much as a speck of that to be seen on the table's surface.

"Well, it's just little old me so you can scurry on back to your books or whatever it is your being a hedon about these days."

"I most certainly cannot, someone must keep an eye on you around here!" Aziraphale was unable to defend against the 'hedon' remark because unfortunately the accusation was quite true. He did tend to _indulge_ a fair amount in whatever wonderful thing the humans had come up with. Food, books, plays, it was all so wonderful.

Crowley sat forward slightly in his chair, "That's fine, you can stay here if you like, it's not like we're wanting for space."

Crowley offered this flippantly as if he hadn't just suggested something quite dangerous. Before Aziraphale could reject his offer a woman probably around thirty bustled into the room.

"Ah! So it's' true! Mr. Crowley does have a friend over, lovely ta meet you, sir! I'm Lina!"

"Hello, dear girl, I'm Aziraphale, " Aziraphale said sitting up taller. 

He leaned over closer to Crowley as Bram entered the room as well with a large basket of vegetables and passed through to what was presumably the kitchen, "Crowley, who are these people?"

"Relax, Angel they're just people who didn't care much for village life. I found them wandering through the forest so I took them in. They've been very nice to have around."

"And have you… well you know?"

"Have I what?" Crowley challenged mischievously.

"Have you… _known_ them in the biblical sense?"

Crowley looked a little disappointed, "No I have not, I thought you might think better of me by now."

Aziraphale hastened to fix his obvious offense, "Well I mean it wouldn't be shameful if you had they're both fairly attractive people."

Crowley seemed to recognize his apology got what it was, "Thanks, but I'm afraid my sights are set somewhere else. Have been for some time now."

"Yes, yes, I know, I know, your one true love is causing chaos and minor discomfort wherever you go, " Aziraphale said indulgently.

Crowley slumped further down, in a dramatic pout, "Again, not what I meant, Angel."

Then what _had_ he meant????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lovely pining we're having

**Author's Note:**

> Hey thanks for reading! Very cool of you! Please comment if you want  
feedback is the only thing that sustains me lmao


End file.
